Answers without Questions

Today I was talking with the trainee for the laundry position at my work. It was such a blessing to get to work with her because I have been at the point of quitting and not showing up because of the lack of management and dedication from the staff. This solid christian mom is a great addition to the lost staff in the building. (Lost as in completely unaware of the repercussions of their actions and the harm they could cause in the long run.) It was a breath of fresh air to work with a fellow follower of the Lord. I did not realize until later in the shift that she was an answer to a prayer that I had not prayed. God had fulfilled a need for me, once again, that I had not asked for. As a stupid "Israelite" I continue to receive what I need from God and don't appreciate the full extent of his grace and provision. I know that I say thank you to him but I really don't take the time to focus on how amazing it is that he ALWAYS gives me what I need exactly when I need it. Today I also was thinking/stressing about how I still do not have a job in Bemidji when I go back to school in a few weeks. I decided to have a final try at applying for jobs on Care.com, a local nanny/babysitting website where people post their needs. I applied for quite a few positions not thinking that I would hear back from any of them, as was usual for me. However, the Lord knowing that I needed a job opened up communication between a family up north who needs someone to watch their 1 1/2 year old during the week. With talking back and forth I realize how God is answering a need of mine...again without me asking, just worrying. No matter how many times I think that he won't provide one more time he always proves me wrong. I feel very silly and frustrated with myself that I cannot seem to commit to my Father wholeheartedly and trust that he will provide. These are just two of the ways that I have seen God provide in the past few months...and I know I will see more as I become in need of his provision. Until then I will try to trust that he will again give when I am in need.

Life...

The past few days have been a whirl wind of classes, schedules, work, money worries, and pain. I have been having a hard time with the fact that things are over in a sense, that things will never be like they used to in the beginning, and that a new chapter has begun. The pain is subtle but never seems to go away. No matter how hard I pray, forgive, and love. The way things move on in life is good, it means I am out of control of the future and that He is in control. Yet, no matter how many times I get to this point it always seems to surprise me. I was isolating myself the other day in my room from the world, fellowship, and friends. I wanted to be alone, yet no matter how hard I tried to be alone I knew I wasn't, He was always there for me. He is always there for me. It is a reassuring thing to know that I am never alone, even when I feel the most alone. Another thing that happened that day I was trying to be alone was that I was reminded so clearly that my work here is far from over. My roommate was listening to worship music and I was so taken back that I was not a better influence with my life. I have not been to church or engaged in fellowship for a long time and it is my fault. I have not shown her what it is to  live as Christ, and I am so ashamed. I know that I can change that and I will. I have come to terms with the fact that no matter how many times I turn away or stop trying He is there to bring me back and say "Be patient and still my child".

Heartache

Sitting in the cafeteria about an hour ago I sat listening to snip-its of conversations flowing around me. "If a gun was pointed at your head would you say you knew Jesus" or something like that. I was encouraged that people around me were thinking about the end and asking others what they would do. I was looking around decided to pray. Pray for those who were lost. I know that there is a great need here in Bemidji. I know that I am in Bemidji for a reason, and I hope that my contribution to the campus will be one that is glorifying to God. 

This summer changed my life. I spent a full week healing, and recovering from years of baggage. By no means am I fully healed but the process has begun. I dug deep, with the help of God speaking through my pp ;), and although my pride had to come down for me to be able to attack what needed to be broken down, in the end I was a new person. The number one thing I brought out from that experience of soul searching was the final acceptance that God/Jesus/Holy Spirit is and always has been my father. One who can not and will not disappoint, leave, or hurt me. The foundation of my being was broken and replaced by truth. The walls of lies that I have allowed myself to believe for years and years were finally broken down to my core. My deepest being now consists of the knowledge that I am never along, my heavenly Abba Daddy is never gone. He has never left, not from the moment of conception and will not leave me ever...not even when I die. 

With this realization comes the conclusion of my reason for writing this "Heartache". My heart aches for those who refuse to acknowledge God as the ultimate everything. As being whatever you have missed out on or have had taken away from you. He never leaves, even when you turn your back on him and refuse his grace and love. He never leaves. I pray that BSU finds the love of Jesus Christ so compelling by the example of His followers that our campus is changed forever. 

Holy Spirit Speaking?

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jerimiah 29:11

Saturday morning as I awoke at 6am to get ready for work (eww), I asked the Holy Spirit to work through me that day and to show himself to me. Little did I know what he had in store. As I arrive at work I realize that I how happy I am and how filled with Joy i was. One thing I have learned about Joy is that it is not a feeling all the time. Joy is a choice and Joy comes from the Lord. Joy fills you from the inside out. So I have the overwhelming feeling of Joy and peace. (Sorry I love Joy so I will be capitalizing it!) And I love when God answers my prayers so quickly. He told me to do little things this weekend that would bless others. Have you ever noticed the Joy that comes with helping other people? I did not do it for me, or to get recognized but to bless the other people and bring glory to God.

Later at work I finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. If you have not read it please do, even if you are a guy, it will speak to your heart I guarantee. The words flowed over me like a tidal wave, crashing down feelings of love, hope, acceptance, and beauty. And these things all coming from God. I was able to experience a love like no other while reading these words. I felt God speaking to me telling me, "Sara, you are beautiful to me. You are lovely to me. You are my beloved!" These words filled me and made me overwhelmed that I was tearing up at work. I realized how important it is to stay in the word and really focus on the attributes of God, and the way he wants to specifically touch your heart with them.

Dwelling on these things I have been thinking a lot about what God has in store for me for next year, and the next few after that. I have been seeking him and his wisdom in this area because I really want to go where he can use me the most. I am called to a life of ministry and I have a small idea of an amazing plan that God has in store for me. I will just say that the glimpse of what I will be doing (with my sister in tow!) is not easy. It is scary, life altering, huge, and can only be done by God's healing power over me and those I will be working with. I pray that he will give me the strength to do his work and that I will not back down when the his call on my life comes. Until then I will continue to seek him and do his work as I see him lead.

The Beginning

"It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope. Which then grew into a quite thought, which then grew into a quiet word. And then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye."-The Call Regina Spektor

This songs has been in my head today. I really love the words of this song and how they carry through to my heart. This movie "Prince Caspian" shows the love of a king for his people. This is the way that I know God thinks about me. Even though I may not realize it at all times, in my heart of hearts I know it is true. He is my Rock and Salvation, an ever present help in times of need.

These thoughts are good to have especially when trying to figure out the next step in my life. I wonder what God has planned for me in the future. I keep hearing "Sara you are destined for great things". I do believe that I am meant to do something meaningful for the Kingdom, now I just need to wait to find out what that is. Prayer is always a good place to start which is the easiest way for me to connect with Him.

All right, that is enough for now. Until later...